part 1 - basically replying to your messages Welcome it's pretty darn long so quick color code: /blablabla/ means it's a question. It's what I'm asking you, what I want and need to know so I get your whole picture. It can genuinely help me, it's always useful to know more. Section A means it's a specific section that I can reference later. Prevents me from repeating myself. "Card A" refers to what I did wrong. "Card B" refers to what she did wrong overall I guess, but more specifically to the action of telling you what happened.
Actually, the highlighting seems to be messed up sometimes. So for example stuff in quote won't be highlighted. Please pay attention to what's in between the quotes, not what looks highlighted. Second, assumptions taken: . You are willing to continue this relationship, and possibly live together in the future, and you still love me. I am assuming this from messages you sent me. Third, the humble disclaimer gang: . I do not blame you for your reactions. I am not mad at you. I do not hold any grudge. Remember what I said about what I got from my dad, because it still holds. I understand that sometimes, you too can give in to emotions. . Yes, I am going to talk a lot about myself. I am really trying not to justify myself, but to let you inside my brain so you know what I think and thought. Maybe I do not have the right to "explain" myself, but I genuinely cannot see another way to help in this situation. . Some of that stuff is outdated since we talked, notably on friday 24th. I still wanted to send you this because 1. it's not going to waste 2. it shows you what's inside my brain. Just know that I understand what you told me since then. I'm going to try to label the outdated part as (outdated). These parts in parenthesis were added after I wrote the original parts. . I am going to talk about unpleasant memories for the sake of examples. I wanted to warn you just in case. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay so first, /I want to know what your mom said about it./ I want to know her opinion on what happened. That includes: . What I did (both what I did in Finland and what I did from January on) . What A. did . What she thinks about the thing overall Then, /more questions about the thoughts you get on the horrors./ Some of them are really stupid to be fair, and the answer might be quite obvious. But it always helps to ask yourself these questions. . When do you think about it, and why? Is there anything that "triggers" it? . What do you do when it happens? (I guess you already answered that one, so don't bother) . Do you feel like you can you stop thinking about it? Do you feel completely defenseless and hopeless against it, or do you feel like you could get some control over the intrusive thoughts? And while I'm at it, if you still remember (absolutely fine if you do not, no worries), some questions about /what she told you when she called/ (I don't think these add a lot of valuable information but I'm genuinely just curious): . Did she ask you if I had told you anything yet? . Did she ask you if we were still together? I just want you to know and understand the nuance between "moving on" and "forgiving me". I am not asking you to forgive me. You do what you want. If you consider that this has been too much and we simply cannot continue, that this was the one rule that couldn't be crossed, then that is your choice. But I refuse to let you go like this. I want you to move on and heal. I want you to, with me or not, be able to live a life where you do not (from your own words) "find it hard to trust anyone, [...] feel comfortable with touch, closeness or any sort of vulnerability". Then, there are things that I would like to tell you. Notably what my parents told me about. Their opinion, their point of view from their own experience of people who have been through real life and who think that we are both "ignorant, lost and 20 years old". I am not putting them on a pedestal, I agree with most of what they say but not everything of course. However, am I in a position to tell you this? I can tell you about the outlook they have on the situation. But as you said I am "the one who caused all the harm". So I can't tell you to "just look at it another way". I would have suggested you try and talk with my mom, but since tuesday then this has become outdated. We can solve the problem without her help. I can maybe tell you "my version of the story" and hope you would understand me and (as you said one time) "feel empathy because there could have been a chance out of 100 that I would have acted the same". Two problems here: . As you said recently on Discord: "And even if so, will I believe you are telling the truth having absolutely no way to verify what you are saying or will I think you're just trying to shift the story a little so that it makes what u did look less bad to me" . You are not me, and I am not you. For example, you might say "no but I don't understand because I am [...] / I would have done [...]". And already I think you would miss the point. It's not about whether you would have done the same given you were in the same conditions or not. It's about understanding what led ME to act this way and why this was not normal (not normal in the way that I wouldn't just do that in my every day life, or repeat it again). Taking into account who I am and maybe also looking at the one I have been from April to September and from January up until now. I feel like every good thing that I have brought you is just being erased because of this period of time. And don't get the wrong idea, I'm not saying "yeah I've been good for 1000 points so the 750 points of being a dick don't actually count". I'm not saying it doesn't count. Sometimes I just feel like you look at me like this just happened, and January-now never happened and Norway never happened either. (Note: I wrote this before the conversation we had on friday. Since then I get it because you literally replied to this, so this is kind of outdated but I wanted to include it. Just know that I understand what you told me on friday, but I think I was clear enough about that) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay so let's do the usual reply to each one of your messages: "And just because I'm pissed doesnt mean these thoughts arent still very real" I know. I do not want to invalidate your emotions and say that your thoughts are wrong. "There's a few scenarios that can happen" "1. I think then I write it down and I tell myself to shut up cuz I'm stupid and move on to something else" "I think then I write it down" is good. You get it out. The "I tell myself to shut up cuz I'm stupid" is less good. By telling yourself you are stupid, you are 1. invalidating yourself and your feelings 2. not looking for a healthy solution. You are blaming yourself from a problem that does not come from you. Do you understand this? You are beating yourself up for reacting negatively to something that was out of your control. You have negative emotions. That is part of being human. You are not a perfect being that never cries or never gets pissed. Also, to be fair, I get that you most likely tell yourself to shut up because you are in the middle of something else (class, choir, working..). I understand that. I also understand it's not easy to just not tell yourself some things. I know it's not like you have control over everything. "2. I think about it and cry and tell myself not to think about it which makes me think about it more and then I can't do anything anymore and I'm locked out of existing" You said "My thoughts and feelings are mostly not logical and I find it hard to control them". I know, I understand and I relate. Just so you know (and not to minimize what you are going through), I get through the "tell myself not to think about it which makes me think about it more" a lot too. Sunday evening I got so pissed at myself and A. that I could not focus on anything. I wanted to punch myself so hard, run a marathon and let it out somehow. I got out of it by playing fake drums, but whatever it's not the topic. Then the next morning I woke up 40 minutes before my alarm, and I got so mad I was fuming. I could not fall asleep again. I got so mad and felt so powerless I threw my pillow away and punched my bed. So I relate to the "I can't do anything anymore and I'm locked out of existing" and I empathize. "3. I write about it and eventually reach some sort of conclusion but I don't like it anyways it's just another meaningless note on my phone because I'm still not solving anything" /What kind of conclusion do you reach?/ Section A "4. I text you telling you we need to solve it but then I'm mean to you and I hate the whole world" I do not remember you "telling me we need to solve it". I only seem to recall you reminding me about things I did back then. Like "I'm chilling in class then I think about the fact you did X" or questions that don't have answers like the one you asked recently. I get that you are still hurt and impacted, but you need to understand that some questions do not have answers and that the past cannot be changed. You are overanalyzing this, asking yourself questions that do not make sense. I understand the "maybe if you answered, I could be less pissed about it", but just to illustrate and be transparent with what my thought process was when you asked me to answer to "were you thinking about me when you were with her": . If I said "yes I was thinking about you": you would most likely think "oh god, this is horrible, he was doing this and he was still thinking about me. he did it while he know how bad it was" or something like that. . If I said "no I was not thinking about you": you would most likely think "oh god this is horrible he was doing this and he was not even thinking about me, he just forgot about me and moved on to something else".
I think that I genuinely struggle to imagine an outcome where you get less pissed. I am sorry. I know that you are suffering and this whole situation is torturing you. I know that I am the only one you can tell this. But I am doing all of this and then you ask me questions that don't have answers. You just keep reminding me of what happened, and this is not helping. Not in the way you/we are doing it right now. Section B Why do I say that you "would most likely think"? Because I find it hard to believe that you would look at it in a different way (outdated, I do believe that you are willing to look have a different opinion that is not only built from what she told you). My problem with telling you "my version of the story" is that it feels like justifying myself and explaining. And I am genuinely afraid that you will get pissed. That you still won't understand me. You will just focus on the negative aspect of it. Instead of thinking (not to say that this is right or better, just to say that this is another way to view it and I know that you cannot control your reaction to things and I cannot force you to "have a better outlook on it"): "he was thinking about me while he was with her this is horrible", why wouldn't you consider for example "he was thinking about me while he was with her, so it means that he never forgot about me and I was still in his mind, he was only confused and didn't know what he was doing" (outdated um I understand that this is not that easy to do, that's kind of daring)? And when I'm going to say that, you're going to jump on me and assault me with "you cannot say you didn't know what you were doing". I just find it hard that you would try to understand and have an outlook on what I say that is not desperately negative. With that being said, I know that you cannot control your reaction. Section B too I think that I need to know if you are actively trying to move on by switching your point of view, for example (something related to learned helplessness? I didn't study it yet so I don't know). Or maybe you are simply unable to understand (which is fine by the way and I am not blaming you if that is the case), and you would need my input and my "version of the story". Which is coming later in this whole ass book. I sincerely cannot know if you are genuinely mentally and morally impacted and you cannot control yourself, and you are blinded by thoughts, and you simply do not see an outcome where you heal, move on and we stay together. I am trying to understand what is happening to you. I am not saying that you would be "faking" your reactions. Not in the slightest, I fully trust you and I trust that your reactions are genuine, and that you do not control them all the time. I am simply saying that I cannot know for sure whether, for example, you would be suffering from depression or not. I am saying this because I felt the same at first (kind of daring part sorry). After the call, I was convinced that we should be breaking up, that I did not deserve you, that it was the end of the world and that I was a horrible piece of shit. A. (and unwillingly you, perhaps, but this is not something that is on you and I am not blaming you for anything, genuinely) put me deep in the idea that "this is unsalvageable and I do not deserve you anymore". I was stuck like that for multiple days, weeks even. But then for example I talked with my parents (without them denying that I had acted like a dick) and then I felt a bit better, my mind was introduced to a different perspective and it changed a few things. And then I could try moving on. However, of course, I acknowledge that 1. we do not have the same roles in this story 2. I have been "coping" for much longer than you. What was fresh news for you had already been processed quite some time ago in my head 3. we have clearly not been impacted in the same way. Everything I just said is super daring, I'm sorry. Please do not take it as something I would have actually told you. Take it as peeking inside my thought process or something. Just so you know, I do believe that you are trying your best. I do not want to say that you are not putting enough effort (I literally can't say that by the way and I am not saying it). I just want to suggest that maybe there is another way to look at and think about things so you can finally move on (and you might find this in "my version of the story", at least I hope). "It's basically like I'm hurt and I am accepting the fact that I'm hurt and just existing there without change because my default response is that I am helpless and can't do anything to change the bad situation I am in" This is related to learned helplessness, right? I am sorry, I really did not have much time to research it seriously. Since we talked a little about it on friday 24th, I understand this a bit better, still. You are more than welcome to teach me what you know. Also, "I am accepting the fact that I'm hurt and just existing there without change because my default response is that I am helpless and can't do anything to change the bad situation I am in" might exactly be what made me have the thoughts presented in Section B and Section B too. I kind of noticed that you would often come back to the horrors (still not blaming you for doing that) and brood over it. "Except that's not true there's a lot of power I have in changing the situation I am in, I'm just too scared to do so" I am proud of you for recognizing that you have power in this. Because guess what, you do. And I am still going to help you. I'm not letting you down. (Adding this part after you've sent me the "feeling good/bad graph") I genuinely do not believe that this was productive. I don't know how to explain it, I just have a feeling. What it does is it reinforces the idea that you feel horrible. It makes you right in the idea that "there is no hope, oh my god I haven't been feeling good a single time in two months and I never will". And I get it, you wanted to show me how you were seeing it. How you felt it. And that is probably the way you have been feeling, I am not denying or invalidating your feelings at all. But for real, sorry if this is going to sound daring but if you exaggerate it, this is comparable to taking a big black pen, a big A2 piece of gray opaque plastic, writing "I am not feeling good and I never will" and sticking it to the window right in front of your desk so that the sunlight cannot get in. Maybe this is the way you see it and you are simply unable to see it any other way. But you have been having fun. Seeing your parents in March? Wroclaw? Easter? Going out with friends? That time I gifted you food and you ate a fruit salad with Ania? Maybe some times we called? That time we called and I made you laugh? I don't know, I am not you and I am not living what you are living. The thing is also that this is not a recent problem for me and I had more time to process it (plus I see you coming, our roles are not the same in this situation). I'm not asking you to remove the bad part of the graph. I'm just asking you to recognize that there is hope. I'm just asking you to maybe stretch those good parts a bit higher. That they're not just barely surfacing above the horrors, but that they are genuinely good. And I want you to put some little spikes of good all around. The daily sparks of hope, happiness and kindness that made you the person I fell in love with. Yes, maybe you are thinking that "oh it would be so much better if he was here/if nothing ever happened" and that is a thought that gets to you after you feel the original happiness, from what I have understood (please correct me). But does it change the fact that you were happy in the first place? "The feeling good is like okay idk I'm unsure if I even feel good in the first place" Maybe you are overanalyzing this. Perhaps way too much. If you feel good you feel good, that's it, why the question? If you smile then you smile. If Ewa gets her sandwich stolen by a seagull and you laugh, then you laugh. I just don't get it, I'm sorry. /You can tell me more so that I understand/. Let me into your brain, I am ready to listen, I am willing to understand more and change my current opinion. "So I should gaslight myself and lie to myself until I no longer know what the initial state was" I repeat, it is not gaslighting yourself and lying to yourself that things are fine. It's accepting your feelings and showing yourself proof that things can be good even though "overall" you feel bad. It's about letting yourself see that there is hope. Let's explore the differences: . Gaslighting yourself and lying to yourself: stuff is still bad in your brain, but you ignore it and you pretend that things are okay. You never move on because you never tackle the problem. . Accepting that you are happy sometimes even though overall things are bad: you acknowledge your feelings and emotions. You do not hide your pain under the rug, instead you embrace it. But at the same time, you understand that things are not going to be the same forever, and that you are going to heal. "But isn't this pretending too?" you may ask. Not really, because you accept that you are happy and that gives you true hope, not fake hope that's built on lies you tell yourself. Also, not a neuroscientist but it feels exaggerated to me that you could "not know what the initial state was anymore", unless you would have gotten severely impacted until a point of no return. However, I am not in a position to comment on that. Maybe this is the case, but I genuinely do not think so. I am not saying this to invalidate your feelings and minimize what you are going through, but simply in order to give you hope. To give you hope that things are going to get better, because they are. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. You told me something about it the other day. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now, I am going to reply to what you told me on tuesday. I heavily suppose that you were under emotions from the period. I am not taking this personally. I know you probably don't mean it. But in case you do, here's what I have to say about it. Disclaimer: I think I wrote this on wednesday 22nd evening. So by friday 24th night these were already quite outdated. Still wanted to send you my replies regardless. "Okay so I don't feel ungrateful for what you do right now, I appreciate it a lot" Good, I appreciate it. "(...) I'm only bitter about what you did back then because 1. I still don't know the whole story from your perspective" You will get to know pretty soon. "(I) sometimes feel like you are hiding what you thought back then from me in fear of hurting my feelings even more" Of course, I don't want to remind you of bad things that happened. On the long call we had on the 1st of March, I said some things and you just got up and sat in silence for multiple minutes (Note: I realized almost instantly that these specific things were things that I simply could not say). But regardless, yes, I am genuinely scared of saying something that will anger you even more or make you sad. "(...) but I think it limits my ability to see that you've changed to some extent (I might be wrong about this but that's just how I think rn)" Okay, actually this makes sense. I understand the "I think it limits my ability to see that you've changed to some extent", because actually true, you can't really see that I have changed if you don't have a point to compare with. But personally I feel like you do have many points on which you can compare the way I was and the way I am now. I am talking about the way I was throughout basically the 2-2.5 months from October to the middle of December. Keep in mind that this is a very approximate range. . I was telling you horrible things without thinking about them enough and especially processing my feelings first, like on the first day you came to visit. . I was not dedicating enough time to you or creating time for you, and when I did, I was implying/hinting that I shouldn't be giving you so much time and I should rather dedicate more time to "real life" things. . I missed one time when we had a planned call. . I did not make you feel loved or seen many times. . I did not reassure you, I did not send you anything for extended periods of time. I did not send texts like "hey, I'm out tonight, I'll be back around 2, sorry for not being available tonight but please don't worry about me, I love you and I hope you sleep well". . I was being selfish and told you that "you cannot control me and I do what I want", which sometimes ended up in not prioritizing your comfort and peace of mind. Think about all these points. Think about the way I acted during the past few months. Have I not been doing the exact opposite? But what's more, we've had many talks about this. The "phone girlfriend" talk that basically showed you how my brain works, and how differently it works from the way I used to (ignorantly) think about it back during winter. The talk about expectations and making each other feel comfortable, prioritizing the other's wellbeing over our personal satisfaction, in which we reached a point of total agreement. Then what's more, you literally told me that you felt happy, loved and respected from January to February. After you literally felt the opposite during and around November. I'm not going to go over everything I did again, but doesn't this show change? I'm not saying that this is enough, maybe for you it is not, but isn't this already quite something, at least? "(...) 2. Most of those sleepless nights of writing I don't see because you haven't sent me most of the stuff yet so I don't actually know (that being said I do appreciate the amount youve already written, I really do)" I am talking about the times when we talked or called from 23 to 3 am, the times we were both there. Didn't I send you most of that stuff yet? I am talking about: . My replies to your replies . These very replies I am writing (effectively taking my whole evening; edit: bro didn't know. it's WAY more than the whole evening) . The essay I wrote in the bus that I then read to you . My point-by-point answer to your 27 worries that you should be telling an actual therapist about I see you coming on that last point: "You don't have to do this". I am doing all of this because I want you to feel better. And besides, I'm in love with you if that wasn't clear enough already. And isn't this already a lot? Okay, then from what you haven't seen there's: . My replies to your replies to my replies (30% done at the moment, maybe I just won't even finish these) . The apology I wanted to send A. but only ended up sending 3% of, even though it was good because it let me organize my thoughts better . The essay that I guess tries to explain how evil and fucked up A. is and tries to show you a different point of view from what she told you by writing "my version of the story" (essay that you have not seen but on which I am working regularly, it's just so important and you could so easily take it in a bad way that I prefer being cautious) I am doing all of this because I want to stay with you. I believe we work really well as a couple and I would genuinely want to live my life with you in the future. And above all, it makes sense, I am in fucking love with you. Also, I fight because I thought I caught a glimpse of hope, that you let me understand that you were willing to forgive me (correct me, I might be wrong). Moreover, I know that talking does make things better. You always told me that what I wrote helped you and reassured you. But of course, sometimes you feel like it's "still the same" and you feel just as bad as on the first of March. It sadly happens. "Oh if u mean just staying up and talking then [...] it's not like that changed suddenly [...] we've always been talking about things at night whether it's the hard things or the nice things" I don't know if it really feels the same. Before, when you were worried about something, I'd talk with you for a few hours and then you'd be like "okay now I feel a bit better thanks for talking with me :)". But now I literally write essays. I spend hours writing these. I have been for almost two months. I have to copy and paste your texts into my text editor so that I can try to express what I think, re-reading and checking every sentence trying not to expose myself to being flamed for some things I can say by mistake. Yes, we've always been talking at night but this is not the same kind of "talking". "And yeah I appreciate the effort, I appreciate the help but you know I'm also doing that" I feel extremely grateful that you are still here and that you still offer me help. I truly am grateful and I really want to thank you for still helping me. Your efforts are not in vain.
(quotes highlightings start to be wrong from now on)
"4. I'm sorry but saying 'I'm still here I could've left' doesn't work on me because yeah tough to say but there are a million people who would never do what u did to me and yes that's harsh but it's the truth - you dont get to complain about me being emotionally broken and distrustful when youve done that yourself (unfortunately)" "I don't know, I hate the 'I'm still here' argument because if you break something you either pay for it or u fix it, that's the way society works there's no 'leaving and not giving a shit'"" "It's not something that deserves praise it's the bare minimum, if you just left that would only mean you were not a good person for me to begin with, it's so simple" "I get you'd prefer to talk about the nice things but I guess talking about it is kind of a given" I don't like that you are taking it as a given. Edit: On friday 24th I showed you an actual measurements of my efforts and I think you've realized what I was talking about. But I'm still going to reply to these messages. For example, that one night that ended around 4. Yes, it was a very conscious choice. I made the conscious decision to keep talking with you. Even though I knew I had a concert the next day and that I was probably not going to sleep much. It ended up impacting the performance a little. Even tonight, as I am writing this, I choose not to practice guitar or do my things for example. I am falling behind on my schedule. I am willingly giving my own time so that you can feel better and our relationship comes back to a "normal" state (not quite the right term but you get what I mean). But I could easily not be doing this. "Yes you have been very bad to me so now you are my slave and I deserve full therapy coming from you" Do you think the world works like that? Do you think everyone is kind and nice? Do you know how many people would have just thought "okay she's become a pain in the ass and I don't even get to see her in real life, she's being really annoying right now. I wanna do my own things not be her therapist. Plus I don't even know if I'm going to see her again one day. Honestly I'm going to leave and break up and just go find someone else" ? Being completely honest here, I never thought this. Not even once in the past two months. But the entire world is not like this. That's not "the way society work" and I can picture so many people "leaving and not giving a shit" (none of them would be my friend). That's just what can happen in real life. And it has happened to me, not only once, so I'm 50% speaking from experience. Though, it is true, these people weren't good people for me to begin with, as you said. And as a disclaimer, I am not "disillusioned" because "oh I thought thing A was perfect and beautiful in life but actually I met someone who shattered my reality and now I do not have any hope in thing A anymore, so just so you know, life is actually shit and you shouldn't have hope in humanity". Not at all. I am simply trying to be realistic. You should always keep your hopes alive, even the most whimsical ones. Anyway, no, it is not the "bare minimum". I am your boyfriend, not your therapist. I am doing this because I love you, it feels natural to me and I unconditionally want you to be happy. Also, you helped and still help me a lot with my own problems, so I should help you too and I am not forcing myself to do this. But it is still a lot of effort. It is effort that is also to supposed to show you how much I care. And I'm not asking you to put me on a pedestal and acclaim me for that, but a little appreciation wouldn't hurt and it would show me that the time I am dedicating is not being wasted. Also, for "you dont get to complain about me being emotionally broken and distrustful when youve done that yourself (unfortunately)", remember the cards. I never wanted you to be impacted by this. I am not going to repeat myself on this part since we've already talked about this and I believe that you understood the reasons why I did not tell you. Though, I don't know what you meant by "you pay for it" in the second quote. Because that too, I don't think you realize how badly it has gotten for me sometimes, and for how long. Yes, of course, I did the wrong thing to you. But does that imply that I did not "pay"? That I just "got away with it" and never suffered? That's probably what A. thought. Your pain is probably worse than mine, I am not even going to try saying the opposite. But I suffered too. I am not afraid to say it. Even though "society" would say that I "do not have the right to complain since I have done this myself". I do not want to put myself as a victim, but I want you to know that it is not "easy" on my side. Whatever. Pointless to talk about this. "I think it does make sense it's like comparing yourself to the worst kind of people and saying look I'm not like them I'm not the worst please notice how I'm not the worst while you are still not entirely good either" I agree about this, but this is not what I meant to say. I did not mean "I'm not the worst look there's worse so this means I'm good". "If you want to leave me, be more than welcome, I'm sure it would spare you a lot of pain and discomfort and you wouldn't have to stay up at night anymore to reply to me. But I would still be stuck feeling this way possibly for the rest of my life because of what happened. I am changed. I'd still think about it, I'd still wonder what I could've done. I'd still be wondering what caused this or what went through your mind and I'd never know and I'd never be able to explain it to myself. I'd always consider it unfair. I'd still find it hard to trust anyone, I would still not feel comfortable with touch, closeness or any sort of vulnerability" Do you want to know why I did not answer? I wanted to answer "I'm not arguing with you when you tell me things like 'If you want to leave me you are welcome to do so'". I really didn't take that in a good way when I read it. Now it's fine, whatever, we talked about it and I know that you were on your period. I just wanted to let you know that this was not appreciated. I chose to give up on a whole possible part of my life for you. I could be trying to live things with people in real life, but 1. I don't think that's how I would be the happiest 2. I literally chose you because I love you and I want to stay with you. But still, this is technically a sacrifice that I am making, for you. Saying "if you want to leave me, be more than welcome" after all the efforts and sacrifices I made during March (and April) is kind of like saying "yeah but your shit is useless you could just stop if it's better for you, just leave me alone and let me suffer on my own". "Simple, if you feel like you aren't ready for a relationship, if you do not love me or you feel like the bare minimum that I expect is actually something that you find too hard and it's too much for you then just don't force yourself to be with me" I'm not forcing myself. I found a balance in this relationship that I was satisfied with before March happened and I am trying to come back to it. I am ready to meet your expectations. We literally had talks about this. We both agreed on respecting and prioritizing each other's wellbeing over some of our personal satisfactions. "if you do not love me" Do I... Do I even have to say anything about that one or do you realize how stupid that is by yourself..... Also, "if you feel like you aren't ready for a relationship" is not precise enough. Ours is a committed long distance relationship. Thinking about whether I am ready for something like this or not was the center of my doubts during the previous semester. I'll get to that in the second part. Maybe you are already doing this, but I would like you to consider the fact that this relationship is different from a real life relationship, one where we live in the same city (or at least country) and can see each other at least once every two weeks. As far as I am concerned, the two are very different even if they share similarities. "I know my own worth, I know what I'm expecting and I'm not backing down and reducing myself to something less or disrespecting my values. And I know I deserved better than what happened" Yes, you deserved better than what happened. But didn't you get it? Do January and February simply don't mean anything at all? (maybe daring to say, maybe it invalidates stuff- also relates to what we've talked about more recently, so probably outdated) I am not going to disrespect your values again. I am not going to make you back down. "I'm not happy with being stuck somewhere in the process, knowing I don't have the full picture and struggling every single day to not simply give up" I know it's hard and I am grateful that you still want to not give up. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stuff you told me on friday (I'm not going to do this for every single conversation we have this is like the last time I'm doing this I swear): "I don't know, that's something my mom claims and I don't know if she's even right about that but I'm mentioning it anyways" "But she told me she's not surprised because the culture of France is more loose of the definitions of cheating and doesn't attribute as much weight to it as us polish people do" Yeah to be honest I'm like.. Sure.. I'm considering it, I'm considering that there are cultural differences between our countries but I don't know if that's going too far or not. We do tend to "care less" about stuff like work and being on time I guess but implying that "french people cheat because they just don't care".. And I don't really know how to take the "she's not surpised" part. Like did she just expect me to cheat because I'm french? I don't get it. Though I am willing to believe you when it comes to cultural differences and "attributing weight to different things" overall. "Because I don't know, I've never in my life heard of anyone in Poland being in an open relationship for example" Honestly me neither in France actually, I know one guy who does that and he's gay. I'm not that attracted to the concept actually. Talking about this again later, not quite the topic here anyway. "But basically what I want to make you realize is that was very important to me" "The point of this conversation right now is for me to tell you why it matters to me so much that it seems like it almost renders everything else insignificant to me" "It doesn't render anything else insignificant btw, I still know" I acknowledge this and I understand. "And I'm sorry but to change this part of me is really difficult because it's one of the core elements" I do not think that this is something that should be changed in you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm giving a lot of myself to make this work out. I don't know if you believe that this is genuine and that I would not do what I did again. But please. It's either we take a weekend to work on this and we solve what's wrong, or we stop. I am not doing this for six more months. This is not what this relationship should be. By "work on this" I mean face what hurt you, talk to me about it, I recognize my faults once again, I show you proof that I have changed and that I am serious and dedicated to my resolutions, then we move on. Right now what you are doing is you write down your emotions in despair and you torture yourself with questions that do not need to be answered. I believe that this is probably not going to bring us anywhere. Refer to Section A again if you still do not understand. I hope that you are willing to forgive me, or at the very least try to understand what I meant here. I want to become a safe place for you again. Everything I said still holds. But I get that you wouldn't trust me right now. However, I never forgot what you told me, that "trust is built through actions and not words". I wish that my actions since January could act in my favor here. Writing this while being absolutely exhausted at 4 am: I just want to be with you and love you like we did in february. I just want things to be okay. I want to wake up to your texts every day and say goodnight and know about your day. See pictures of your face and what happens to you every day.
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